Hagar vs. Yishmael: How do one's actions affect others?

In Parshas Lech Lecha, we find that Sarah came to Avraham with a simple demand (Genesis 16:5):

וַתֹּ֨אמֶר שָׂרַ֣י אֶל־אַבְרָם֮ חֲמָסִ֣י עָלֶיךָ֒ אָנֹכִ֗י נָתַ֤תִּי שִׁפְחָתִי֙ בְּחֵיקֶ֔ךָ וַתֵּ֙רֶא֙ כִּ֣י הָרָ֔תָה וָאֵקַ֖ל בְּעֵינֶ֑יהָ יִשְׁפֹּ֥ט יְהוָ֖ה בֵּינִ֥י וּבֵינֶֽיׄךָ׃

And Sarai said to Avram, "The wrongdoing [done to] me is upon you! I gave you my maidservant unto your bosom; see that she has become pregnant and I have become lightened in her eyes. May Hashem judge between me and you!"

To which Avraham readily responds (Genesis 16:6):

וַיֹּ֨אמֶר אַבְרָ֜ם אֶל־שָׂרַ֗י הִנֵּ֤ה שִׁפְחָתֵךְ֙ בְּיָדֵ֔ךְ עֲשִׂי־לָ֖הּ הַטּ֣וֹב בְּעֵינָ֑יִךְ

And Avram said to Sarai, "Behold, your maidservant is in your hands. Do to her as you see fit."

Contrast this exchange with the similar one in Parshas Vayera regarding chasing away Hagar and Yishmael (Genesis 21:10-13):

וַתֹּ֙אמֶר֙ לְאַבְרָהָ֔ם גָּרֵ֛שׁ הָאָמָ֥ה הַזֹּ֖את וְאֶת־בְּנָ֑הּ כִּ֣י לֹ֤א יִירַשׁ֙ בֶּן־הָאָמָ֣ה הַזֹּ֔את עִם־בְּנִ֖י עִם־יִצְחָֽק׃ וַיֵּ֧רַע הַדָּבָ֛ר מְאֹ֖ד בְּעֵינֵ֣י אַבְרָהָ֑ם עַ֖ל אוֹדֹ֥ת בְּנֽוֹ׃ וַיֹּ֨אמֶר אֱלֹהִ֜ים אֶל־אַבְרָהָ֗ם אַל־יֵרַ֤ע בְּעֵינֶ֙יךָ֙ עַל־הַנַּ֣עַר וְעַל־אֲמָתֶ֔ךָ כֹּל֩ אֲשֶׁ֨ר תֹּאמַ֥ר אֵלֶ֛יךָ שָׂרָ֖ה שְׁמַ֣ע בְּקֹלָ֑הּ כִּ֣י בְיִצְחָ֔ק יִקָּרֵ֥א לְךָ֖ זָֽרַע׃ וְגַ֥ם אֶת־בֶּן־הָאָמָ֖ה לְג֣וֹי אֲשִׂימֶ֑נּוּ כִּ֥י זַרְעֲךָ֖ הֽוּא׃

And [Sarah] said to Avraham, "Drive out this maidservant and her son, for the son of this maidservant will not inherit with my son, with Yitzchak." And the matter was very bad in the eyes of Avraham, regarding his son. And Hashem said to Avraham, "Let it not be bad in your eyes regarding the child and your maidservant. Whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her voice, for through Yitzchak will your seed be called; though also the son of the maidservant will I place as a nation, for he is your seed."

What a stark difference! When it comes to Hagar, Avraham's immediate response is, "She's your maidservant. You deal with her." Yet when it comes to Yishmael, he hesitates. It requires Hashem's direct instruction for Avraham to follow through.

The passuk itself provides some semblance of an explanation: "And the matter was very bad in the eyes of Avraham regarding his son." But this explanation seems to be lacking. Almost immediately after this incident, we're told about how Avraham doesn't hesitate to set out to kill his even more beloved son Yitzchak on Hashem's instruction; clearly nepotism wasn't a factor in Avraham's decision making. The bastion of kindness could act with ruthlessness when it was called for. So why did he hesitate with Yishmael?

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What, exactly, led to Sarah's request of Avraham? The passuk tells us (Genesis 21:9):

וַתֵּ֨רֶא שָׂרָ֜ה אֶֽת־בֶּן־הָגָ֧ר הַמִּצְרִ֛ית אֲשֶׁר־יָלְדָ֥ה לְאַבְרָהָ֖ם מְצַחֵֽק׃

And Sarah saw the child of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she bore to Avraham, was mocking.

Clearly there's something deeper going on here. Yishmael was a teenager at the time, at most 15 or 16 according to the simple reading of the pesukim (considering that there's a 14-year gap between the half-brothers). Indeed, Rashi on Genesis 21:9 blends the various Midrashic opinions to explain what it was that Yishmael was doing:

מצחק. לְשׁוֹן עֲ"זָ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר וַיָּקֻמוּ לְצַחֵק (שמות ל"ב), דָּ"אַ לְשׁוֹן גִּלּוּי עֲרָיוֹת, כְּמָה דְּתֵימָא לְצַחֶק בִּי (בראשית ל"ט), דָּ"אַ לְשׁוֹן רְצִיחָה, כְּמוֹ יָקוּמוּ נָא הַנְּעָרִים וִישַׂחֲקוּ לְפָנֵינוּ וְגוֹ' (שמואל ב ב'), שֶׁהָיָה מֵרִיב עִם יִצְחָק עַל הַיְרֻשָּׁה וְאוֹמֵר אֲנִי בְּכוֹר וְנוֹטֵל פִּי שְׁנַיִם, וְיוֹצְאִים בַּשָּׂדֶה וְנוֹטֵל קַשְׁתּוֹ וְיוֹרֶה בוֹ חִצִּים, כְּמָה דְּתֵימָא כְּמִתְלַהְלֵהַּ הַיֹּרֶה זִקִּים וְגוֹ' וְאָמַר הֲלֹא מְשַׂחֵק אָנִי (משלי כ"ו):

"Mocking" — an expression of idolatry [...] an expression of immorality [...] an expression of murder [...] For he was fighting with Yitzchak over inheritance, saying, "I am the firstborn and will take the double portion." When they went into the field, he would take his bow and shoot arrows toward him, like that which is said, "Like the madman shooting firebrands[, arrows, and death, is one who cheats his friend] and says 'I was just joking!'" (Proverbs 26:18-19).

Well, that escalated quickly. So now we've got Yishmael, committing idolatry, immorality, and murder, and somehow Avraham is more hesitant to send Yishmael away than he is to send away Hagar, who just has a superiority complex?

Let's turn to the original Midrash that Rashi paraphrases, Tosefta Sotah 6:3.

אמר ר"ש בן יוחאי ארבעה דברים היה ר"ע דורש ודברי נראין מדבריו דרש ר"ע (בראשית כ״א:ט׳) ותרא שרה את בן הגר המצרית אשר ילדה לאברהם מצחק אין צחוק האמור כאן אלא עבודת כוכבים שנא' (שמות לא) וישב העם לאכול ושתו ויקומו לצחק מלמד שהיתה אמנו שרה רואה את ישמעאל בונה במסין וצד חגבים ומעלה ומקטיר לעבודת כוכבים ר"א בנו של ר' יוסי הגלילי אומר אין צחוק האמור כאן אלא גילוי עריות שנא' (בראשית ל״ט:י״ז) בא אלי העבד וגו' לצחק בי מלמד שהיתה [אמנו שרה] רואה את ישמעאל מכבש את [הגנות] ומענה את הנשים ר' ישמעאל אומר אין לשון צחוק אלא שפיכות דמים שנא' (שמואל ב ב׳:י״ד) ויאמר אבנר אל יואב יקומו נא הנערים וישחקו לפנינו [וגו'] ויקומו ויעברו במספר [וגו'] ויחזיקו איש בראש רעהו וחרבו בצד רעהו ויפלו יחדיו מלמד שהיתה אמנו שרה רואה את ישמעאל נוטל קשת וחצים ומזרק כלפי יצחק שנא' (משלי כ״ו:י״ט) כמתלהלה היורה זקים וגו' כן איש רמה [וגו'] ואני אומר חס ושלום שיהיה בביתו של [אותו] צדיק ההוא כך. אפשר [למי] שנא' עליו (בראשית י״ח:י״ט) כי ידעתיו למען אשר יצוה וגו' יהא בביתו עבודת כוכבים [וגילו] עריות ושפיכות דמים אלא אין צחוק האמור כאן אלא לענין ירושה שכשנולד אבינו יצחק לאברהם אבינו היו הכל שמחין ואומרין נולד בן לאברהם [נולד בן לאברהם] נוחל את העולם ונוטל שני חלקים והיה ישמעאל מצחק ואומר אל תהי שוטים [אל תהי שוטים] אני בכור ואני נוטל שני חלקים שמתשובת הדבר אתה למד [שנאמר] (בראשית כ״א:י׳) כי לא יירש בן האמה וגו' ורואה אני את דברי מדברי ר"ע.

[...] R' Akiva expounded "and Sarah saw the son of the maidservant was mocking": "The mocking which is mentioned here means only idolatry [...] This teaches that Sarah saw Yishmael building miniature altars, trapping grasshoppers, and offering them to idols." R' Eliezer son of R' Yosi the Galilean said, "The mocking which is mentioned here means only immorality [...] This teaches that Sarah saw Yishmael overpowering and being intimate with women." R' Yishmael said, "The mocking which is mentioned here means only murder [...] This teaches that Sarah saw Yishmael taking a bow and arrows and shooting toward Yitzchak." [...] [R' Shimon] said, [...] "When Yitzchak was born to Avraham, everyone was rejoicing and saying, 'A son was born to Avraham! A son was born to Avraham, who will inherit the world and take two portions!' And Yishmael was mocking and saying, 'Don't be stupid! Don't be stupid! I am the firstborn and I will take a double portion!' You know [this] from the response, for it is written, 'The son of the maidservant will not inherit [with my son, with Yitzchak].' [...]"

There are some subtleties added in this version of the teaching. Specifically, why is it that when it comes to idolatry, the Tanna phrases it as a quasi-legitimate form of idolatry (cf. Avodah Zarah 51a.2-4, where the majority exempt offering grasshoppers from idolatry but R' Yehudah views such an act as liable); when it comes to murder, the Tanna phrases it as "shooting arrows toward," but he doesn't actually kill anyone; but when it comes to immorality, the Tanna assumes he was actually intimate?

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I would like to propose a novel concept here.

• Yishmael was "overpowering" (not necessarily "kidnapping" — this is often a term used just for intimacy with strength) and "intimate" with women. For all anyone knows, this was consensual — certainly forbidden, but consensual. He was מענה them, merely intimate with them; he wasn't מאנס them, raping them.
• Yishmael was shooting arrows at Yitzchak. At least to an outsider, they could've been playing a game, or perhaps Yishmael the skilled archer was teaching his baby brother how to aim.

To an outsider, Yishmael was an experimenting teenager. His actions were wrong, but to Avraham there was no threat. Surely all Yishmael needed was some fatherly love to draw him back to Torah and Mitzvos?

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Hagar, in contrast, was an Egyptian princess. All of the Pharaohs in the Torah share the theme of selfish gain. The Pharaoh of Avraham's time was only interested in Sarah for personal gratification, sending them away with gifts once he saw that keeping them did more harm than good. The Pharaoh of Yosef's time was only interested in resolving his problematic dreams, and then to transform an impending famine into an opportunity for Egypt to become a superpower. The Pharaoh of the Egyptian Exile, of course, wanted to keep the Jews as slaves for as long as possible; no wonder it required Divine Intervention of his free will to allow the plagues to run their course.

Hagar was no different. Once she was given to Avraham as a wife, she took the opportunity to rub it in Sarah's face. "Look at how wonderful I am; I must be even greater than Sarah, since I've become pregnant and Sarah has not." To which Sarah appropriately responds: "Get her out. We can't have such a destructive personality in our house." At least Yishmael's later sins wouldn't interfere with others' needs and wants; Hagar was causing enmity between Sarah and Avraham. Her creation of strife and of a lack of household peace was even worse than polyamory and idolatrous leanings. After all, so long as one is still sensitive toward others' feelings, a proper rebuke can make an impact; if one doesn't care what others think or feel, why should their rebukes be heeded?

When Hagar acted out, Sarah immediately responded: "Let Hashem judge between me and you!" Avraham saw clearly how Hagar's actions were impacting Sarah; if she wouldn't care about Sarah's feelings, there was nothing Avraham could do. "She's your maidservant; you can throw her out."

But when Yishmael acted out, he wasn't bothering anyone. He needed help, but he was careful with others. Avraham might still be able to reach him. So when Sarah demanded that Yishmael be thrown out, "the matter was very bad in Avraham's eyes — regarding his son." It's not that Avraham was a nepotist, but that his father-son relationship could be used to help Yishmael heal.

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"Sarah saw that the son of Hagar the Egyptian whom she bore to Avraham was mocking." She didn't see Yishmael, nor did she see the son of Avraham. She saw the son of Hagar, the selfish Egyptian princess who, like her family, is self-centered and doesn't care about others' needs and wants. Within Yishmael's actions was the beginning of a mighty nation of selfish conquerors, unyielding to reason. "Send out the maidservant and her son, for the son of the maidservant will not inherit with my son Yitzchak." Yitzchak has the positive influence of his mother; Yishmael has the negative influence of his.

Avraham wasn't buying it. Even if Yishmael was being negatively influenced by Hagar, he was still his son as well. Maybe his influence could counter Hagar's?

Hashem responded to Avraham that both of them had the wrong outlook; while Sarah came to the correct conclusion, she approached it from the wrong place. "Let it not be bad in your eyes regarding the youth." He's neither Avraham's son nor Hagar's; he's his own person, responsible for his own actions. Yes, he's been influenced by Hagar, and yes, theoretically Avraham could try to draw him back, but only if Avraham is willing to treat Yishmael as "the youth," an independent entity, and not as "my son." With all that said, "I will make the son of the maidservant a nation." He has chosen to follow in his mother's steps, not his father's.

Avraham gets the message. He provided food and water for Hagar and Yishmael, for "the maidservant and the child." Avraham does not give it to "his son," but rather to "the child."

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Compare Avraham's transition to treating Yishmael as "the child" against Hagar's. Avraham gives gifts to "the child," showing how he's giving Yishmael independence while still loving him. Hagar, on the other hand, sends "the child" away in his time of need, not bearing to see his pain. "I will not see the death of the child." No wonder Hashem subtly rebukes her: "I have heard the voice of the child as he is now." Because if he was listening to her voice as she was then, Yishmael would've died! How dare she treat him as independent and therefore think she's entitled to abandon him?! "Get up, carry the child, squeeze his hand." He needs you now more than ever!

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There are several takeaways from this story. We don't need to run our lives by what everyone thinks, but we do need to be sensitive to how our actions relate to others. This is so critical when it comes to raising children; there comes a time when we need to continue parenting, but when we need to allow them to become their own person as well.

May we merit to see the day, speedily in our days, of which it is said, "I will return the hearts of fathers upon their sons and of their sons on their fathers."